Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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