i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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