Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
