She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
