Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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