im six kinds of drunk right now
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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