So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
