Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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