addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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