Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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