I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
