I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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