Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
