where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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