Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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