Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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