She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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