Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
