There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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