so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize