I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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