I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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