Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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