My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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