We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
