Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my being single is dangerous.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
