I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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