Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We need a shit load of segways right now
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
