My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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