the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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