I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
