Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
