I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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