This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
