Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
