8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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