she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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