If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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