You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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