DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
