I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Alive.
So much puke
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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