I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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