no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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