it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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