Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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