I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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