i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My vagina is officially offended.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
