I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
