I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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