Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
