I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
