Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just gift wrapped bread.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
