Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize