Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
