pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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